Experiencing domestic abuse can have a profound impact on both your mind and body. When we are faced with danger, our nervous system automatically responds to try and keep us safe. These responses are not conscious choices or signs of weakness. They are natural survival instincts designed to protect us.
Many people have heard of ‘fight or flight’, but there are actually five common trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze, flop and friend. Understanding these responses can help survivors make sense of their experiences and reduce feelings of guilt or self-blame.
Here’s what each response can look like:
Fight
The fight response prepares your body to defend itself. This might involve arguing back, shouting, resisting physically or trying to protect yourself or others. This is just one of the many ways the body may react to danger.
Flight
The flight response is the urge to escape from a threatening situation. This could mean leaving the room, avoiding contact with the perpetrator or making plans to leave the relationship when it is safe to do so. Even if someone cannot physically leave, they may mentally distance themselves from the situation.
Freeze
When neither fighting nor escaping feels possible, the body may freeze. Survivors often describe feeling unable to move, speak or think clearly. This response can happen in seconds and is completely involuntary. Freezing is a natural response and does not mean you accepted what was happening or failed to act.
Flop
The flop response happens when the body becomes limp or shuts down during extreme fear. A person may feel disconnected from their body, unable to respond or emotionally numb. This automatic response can be particularly confusing afterwards, but it is another way the nervous system tries to survive overwhelming situations.
Friend
Sometimes called “fawn”, the friend response involves trying to reduce danger by pleasing, agreeing with or calming the abusive person. This might mean apologising, complying with demands or putting the other person’s needs before your own in an attempt to stay safe. Many survivors feel ashamed of this response, but it is a recognised survival strategy.
It’s important to remember that there is no “right” way to respond to abuse. Every person’s nervous system reacts differently depending on the situation, the level of danger and past experiences. You cannot always control how your body responds in a traumatic moment.
Understanding trauma responses can be an important step in healing. It can help explain why you reacted the way you did and remind you that your body was doing its best to protect you. Whatever your response was, you deserve compassion, support and the opportunity to recover.
Need support?
Solace provides expert support for women and children affected by domestic abuse in London, including counselling, advocacy, and safe housing.
